


Bellyache

by things-we-used-tc-share (Heavydirtys0ul)



Series: the billie eilish tapes [14]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26189545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heavydirtys0ul/pseuds/things-we-used-tc-share
Summary: Remus has a habit of self-destructing, maybe there's no real way to change that, but they can try.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders
Series: the billie eilish tapes [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1281875
Kudos: 15





	Bellyache

Remus feels tired. His feet are up on the stone steps underneath him as his back leans against the red brickwork of his home, a cup of coffee resting by his feet and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He wants to taste both things that burn, that ache, that kill him slowly, but he doesn’t want to taste them both at once. It’s sad that really that’s inevitable but it’s such a minor inconvenience that he can’t say he really cares, flicking a cigarette end down the drain. 

“What’d you do this time?” The brunet smiles just so as he brings his cup of coffee to his lips (the mix of cigarette smoke still on his tongue, he winces at a taste that really he should be used to by now); he looks up at the gates to the garden to see a blond with messy hair poking out from behind a grey beanie. Janus, his best friend, the only moron alive who’ll put up with him (and put him in his place). 

“What I always do,” he shouldn’t be smiling right now, but he does, a tired and maniacal smile that’s bursting with tears “I exploded, and took someone else down with me.” Janus sighs and shakes his head, half of him full of sympathy for his friend and the other half wanting to clip him on the upside of the head. “Poor Logan, he was a good guy, then again weren’t they all?”

“If they were all good Re you wouldn’t be like this,” the blond leans up off the gate and leans down to open it, pushing it open and closing it behind him to walk down the small path and sit on the concrete next to his friend. “I think you really need to try and get better, I know therapy isn’t an option but I’m sure we can find something online or something...anything to help you, that smile sure isn’t fooling me.” 

“I loved him,” Remus admitted, his voice cracking, his smile is just scary now, not at all comforting in any stretch. “I loved him and then I lost him, no...I ruined him, and he left, of course, he left why...why am I surprised I knew he would, he should leave, it’s the best thing for him.” 

“And for you?” 

“Does it matter?” 

A shrill silence follows, bar the sound of a gentle breeze running through the few trees in this area; this suburban life could never have been for Remus. He was raised here in this quiet little place, too quiet even then for a boy so loud and full of life and laughter and smiles and far too much energy. Now it feels like a corpse that he resides in, the trees he used to climb and the birds he used to talk too, the streets he used to play kickball on with his brother. He misses his brother too, _he’d_ been the first to call it quits. 

“I feel like I’ve lost my mind,” his lips quirk in a smile, tears stream down his face “I don’t know how to stop being so horrible, like a compulsion I can’t quit.” 

“I know,” Janus leans over him and steals his cup of coffee, drinking some of it. “But this cycle has to break, everyone will keep leaving you if you keep hurting them.” It’s a simple enough statement but it does ring true. “And I know you loved Logan, I’m sorry you blew up on him, I’m sorry he had to deal with that and I’m sorry you’re a mess now but I’ve only got so much sympathy for you, not because you’re ill, I know you’re ill and I know it’s not just your fault, but because this is what, the fourth time in the time I’ve known you? And you loved them too, they loved you and that’s not why they walked away...you more so than anyone knows what it’s like to be hurt by someone you love.” 

“I know.” Quiet again. “I feel sick.”  
“The coffee won’t help,” Janus says, handing the cup of coffee back to the brunet with some semblance of care. “I’ll help you, you know I will, _always,_ ” he doesn’t say the words ‘I love you,’ he’s never said those words to Remus in the five years they’ve been friends, he learned fairly early on that those words set the other man on fire. Like pushing a trigger, you tell him you love him, five weeks later he’s constructed some sort of master plan to get you out of his life. 

It’s his fault, but it isn’t. That’s what happens when you get so hurt early on in life, every association feels like a threat. For the most part, Remus doesn’t even know why he does it really, he just knows he got hurt very badly and too many good people remind him of that for no reason other than those three words. And suddenly he can’t breathe and he feels like he’s under attack. 

“Thanks, Jan,”

“We should probably start with google, who knows, maybe we’ll even find a place that does free therapy, even if it isn’t the fancy one, if not then I’m just going to have to help you because you sure as fuck not going to manage on your own.” He ruffles Remus’ hair playfully, the tears are starting to dry now. “Come on dickhead, let’s figure out how to sort out that head of yours.” 

“Bitch.” 

“And I know it,” Janus stands and holds out his hand, Remus takes it and they both head into the house, hopefully, to find some semblance of okay-ness.


End file.
